October 16, 2008

Sometimes it is very hard to live your life the way you believe it should be lived. I'm going through a time right now where I'd love to say things to certain people in my life, but it just goes against what I believe to do so. I know it would be wrong and I know it would be so very hurtful. I don't want to be hurtful even though I have been hurt, but yet there is that innate preservation instinct that makes me have the desire just to tear someone from limb to limb. So it means that I am struggling with myself to do what's right and wanting vengeance.

Ha! That word looks so harsh and in a way I suppose it is, but if it were as dire as that I'd not be having this fight with myself. The thing is I have the ability to bring a couple people to their knees if I chose to do so. But, I also know that in the process it would hurt people that I hold very dear to me and I cannot do that. Honestly, I really don't want to wish that kind of pain on anyone, even someone who has hurt me. It would not make me feel better. Somehow, though that primeval need to strike back still has to be dealt with on a level that is a lot more strong than I would rather not admit.